What The Deuce?

7/21/05

A recent pitch meeting at the Malibu offices of Happy Madison which is Adam Sandler’s production company:

Schneider: So, did you read it?

Sandler: Yeah, I did.

Schneider: Well, what do you think?

Sandler: Uh…yeah…I was meaning to talk to you about that. I don’t know about this one.

Schneider: Why not?

Sandler: Well…you know…I’m doing more serious work now. I did that “Punch Drunk Love” thing and the critics loved that and...

Schneider: That and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee. C’mon man. I know no one went to go see it and you lost a bundle on that thing. I read the trades…and so do you.

Sandler: Yeah...I know. But I tell ya...it felt GOOD...you know…to be…well...respected. THEY finally recognized me man! Me. So, I don’t think I should...well...you know.

Schneider: NO, I DON'T KNOW!! Now wait just a God damn minute here! When you called me last year and needed to be bailed out of “50 First Dates,” who, right after your secretary faxed over the expense account information, dropped everything I was doing and got on a plane to Hawaii? WHO?

Sandler: Well…it really wasn’t...

Schneider: ME!! And who came up with that coconut bra and titty bit, huh? HUH? That was all me, man! All fucking me!

Sandler: But...

Schneider: And who carried your ass in “Big Daddy...”

Sandler: Now wait...

Schneider: ...and “The fucking Waterboy”?

Sandler: ...that's not...

Schneider: AND “THE WATERBOY”?!? Yeah that’s right. ME, that’s who. And not once did “respect” “recognition” or “feeling good” ever fucking come up. NOT ONCE! Nah, all I needed to know was “Adam’s in trouble” and I was there for you brother...I was there for you man.

Sandler: ...fair.

Schneider: Well, are we square Cochise?

Sandler: Aw c’mon. We square. It ain’t like that.

Schneider: Oh it ain’t, huh? THEN HOW IS IT LIKE?

Sandler: Look. I’m working with guys like Nicholson now. I can’t be…

Schneider: Nicholson? C'mon. I'll say the guy is good...but man...he is yesterday. Like fucking last week. Who the hell DIDN’T like “Witches of Eastwick,” but man...you got to live in the present.

Sandler: Um...

Schneider: Look brother, I’m not asking for nothing, man. Nothing. Just some lousy “front money” for my project and, man, this property is hot, like smoking cinder baby. You know. You’ve read it.

Sandler: Yeah, I did. I got to admit it is good.

Schneider:And it’s got commercial appeal. The kids eat this shit up.

Sandler: I know. I know. That whole 42 year old, very unattractive guy running around with woman for money thing, I admit, great shit.

Schneider:Yeah, man, now you got it. And the way I wrote that beginning? You know, how I got this bull shit office job but then I get canned because I spend all day sitting next to a copy machine annoying all my co-workers with obnoxious nicknames.

Sandler: STEVERINO...THE STEVEMEISTER...STEVIE STEVSTER. Yeah, that was good.

Schneider: That was good? THAT WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT, MAN! And then he’s broke and can’t get a job anywhere in Los Angeles so he moves to the south of France and tours all over Europe.

Sandler: I like it. I like it.

Schneider: C’mon man. You know we are going to make a mint. What do you say? For old time’s sake? For “SNL”?

Sandler: Well...

Schneider: Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this because it’s not 100% but I heard this morning that Nealon said he would sign on!

Sandler: All right...I’m in!

Schneider: Fucking A!!!!

They jump up and high five each other after which they both slump back in their swivel chairs. After SANDLER takes a deep breath, he picks up the blue folder that is right on top of his desk. He sighs and reads what is printed on the cover out loud.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

By Rob Schneider and Harris Goldberg
For the woman of Europe...
The price of love just got a lot cheaper.

Same Ho…New Low.

Schneider: Great tag, huh? Came up with that shit myself.

Sandler: I don’t know, Rob. I don't know.

Schneider: What is it, man?

Sandler: It's just that...well...It's just that we’re starting to sound like bad people, Rob.

Schneider: That’s because we are, Adam. We are.

Look at it and keep looking at it.
Dwell on it awhile.

All available units proceed to the local Multi-Plex.
There is a robbery and an intellectual debasement in progress.

Sixth Army