Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Int. - A university Economics lecture class. In attendance are successful, multi-millionaire, business entrepreneur, middle-aged THORNTON MELON and his SON.

PROFESSOR: We've got a lot to cover, and time is short. There are two kinds of people in business today...the quick and the dead. So, rather than waste your time this semester with a lot of useless theories...we're going to jump right in with both feet and create a fictional company from the ground up. We'll construct our physical plant...we'll set up an efficient administrative and executive structure...then we'll manufacture our product and market it. I think you'll find it very interesting and a lot of fun. So, let's start by looking at construction costs of our new factory.

THORNTON: What's the product?

PROFESSOR: That is immaterial for the purposes of our discussion here...but if it makes you happy let's say we're making tape recorders.

THORNTON: Tape recorders? Are you kidding? The Japs will kill us on the labor costs.

PROFESSOR: OK, fine. Then let's just say they're widgets.

THORNTON: What's a widget?

PROFESSOR: It's a fictional product. It doesn't matter.

THORNTON: Doesn't matter. Tell that to the bank.

SON: Take it easy. It's the first day.

PROFESSOR: On the board, you will see a cost analysis for construction of a 10,000 square-foot facility which will encompass both factory and office space and is fully serviced by all utilities...a railroad spur line and a four-bay shipping dock.

THORNTON: Hold it, hold it. Why build? You're better off leasing at a buck and a quarter, a buck and a half a square foot. Take your down payment and put it into CDs...or something else you can roll over every couple of months.

PROFESSOR: Thank you, Mr. Melon...but we'll be concentrating on finance a little later in the term. For the time being, let's just concentrate on the construction figures, shall we? You'll see the final bottom line requires the factoring in of not just the material and construction costs but also the architects' fees and the cost of land servicing.

THORNTON: Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.

PROFESSOR: Oh, really? Like what, for instance?

THORNTON: First of all, you have to grease the local politicians for the sudden zoning problems that always come up. Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters. And if you plan on using any cement in this building I'm sure the teamsters would like to have a little chat with you and that'll cost you. Don't forget a little something for the building inspectors. There's the long-term costs, such as waste disposal. I don't know if you're familiar with who runs that business...but I assure you it's not the boy scouts.

PROFESSOR: That will be quite enough, Mr. Melon. Maybe bribes and kickbacks and Mafia payoffs are how you do business but they are not part of the legitimate business world...and they're certainly not part of anything...I'm teaching in this class. Do I make myself clear?

THORNTON: Sorry. Just trying to help. That's all.

PROFESSOR: Now, notwithstanding Mr. Melon's input...the next question for us is where to build our factory?

THORNTON: How about Fantasy land?

from Back to School (1986)

11/02/2006


This scene is one of my all time favorites in American comedic film. I remember watching it, all those years ago, and laughing out loud. My reaction was not only for the crispness of the dialogue, reproduced here, but Rodney Dangerfield’s delivery. It was perfect. His timing and tone as Melon was brilliant. If you never saw that movie you should check it out some time. Especially if your in a bad or depressed mood. It is not the greatest but definitely worth some good laughs.

Which is why, the other night, as I sat in a sleazy Bronx motel room, sipping Georgi Vodka and Sunkist Orange Soda, staring at the worn carpet and peeling wall paper, with some awful game show hosted by Bob Sagat playing in the background, I recalled it so nostalgically. It had both relevance and weight in my particular predicament.

That is because, sometime earlier, I decided to hire someone to refinish my floors and paint my apartment...and I live in a Co-Op.

Playing the scene in my head from memory, 20 years later, it still made me laugh out loud.

Thanks Rodney...
I didn’t blow my brains out.
Larry