Law and Order

10/31/05 – Washington DC

Disappointed by the tepid reaction to his bombshell announcement of the indictment of Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff three days ago, a dismayed Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald called a press conference today to announce a very unusual tactic that the prosecutor’s office will pursue in the upcoming trial.

Mr. Fitzgerald has hired actor Sam Waterson to “present” any new information in the future to grand juries, Senate Committees and the media as well as “act” at the upcoming trials.

When Mr. Fitzgerald was reminded that Sam Waterson was not a member of any Bar Association, he assured the skeptical press corps that Mr. Waterson would not be doing any of the “real” legal work. He would just be,

He'll fix their ass.

“…the proper image the Special Prosecutor’s office wants to present to an ever growing apathetic public. With his unique combination of boyish charm and moral outrage, Sammy will be able to convince the jury, and the general public, of the obvious; that there is something terribly wrong going on around here.

“Let’s face facts,” Mr. Fitzgerald continued, “when it comes to personality and charisma, I bring absolutely nothing to the table.”

At that point, Mr. Fitzgerald waved his hand at the side entrance which seemed to be a pre-rehearsed cue for a large red curtain to be raised which exposed a waiting Sam Waterson clad in his traditional “Jack. McCoy” suit and tie. After a dramatic pause, he started walking toward the microphone.

Upon reaching the podium, Mr. Waterson immediately lashed out at the assembled press.

“When Mr. Fitzgerald asked me to fill in for him during this time, I immediately said ‘absolutely!’ because I, as an American, can not sit back and allow this kind of misconduct to continue,” he bellowed while slamming his fist down.

“I might not know much about the law in a very real sense,” he said as he gave a knowing glance and took a sip of an unidentified brown liquid from a translucent tumbler, “but I have played a prosecutor for over ten years on a highly rated television show so I think I can easily handle it.”

Giving a wink, Waterson continued, “Besides, I have been a Yankee fan my whole life and these unfolding events are outrageous. As an American citizen I have several questions that need to be answered. How could he betray us like this? Did he not think of the children? Heck, I did not even know The Scooter was still alive.”

When Mr. Waterson was informed that the prosecutor was talking about White House Staffer Lewis "Scooter" Libby and not the legendary Yankee shortstop Phil “The Scooter” Rizzuto, he paused and furrowed his eyebrows. Then he placed his hands in his pockets and looked down to the floor, sliding his foot back and forth and shaking his head.

Finally, after a seemingly long time which was, in reality a few seconds, he looked up with a jerk and said, matter of factly, “You know...I played Lincoln.”

"I'll take the needle off the table."

As his face slowly changed from one of seriousness to a sly smile, an audible “aw” emanated from the usually jaded White House Press Corps. which was followed by a thunderous applause.

Perhaps the Union can be saved after all.

Larry