I Need To Drop A Deuce
4/14/2006
We return to the Malibu offices of Happy Madison which is Adam Sandler’s production company:
Schneider: So, did you read it?
Sandler: Yeah, I did.
Schneider: Well, what do you think?
Sandler: Uh…yeah...I was meaning to talk to you about that. I don’t know about this one.
Schneider: Why not?
Sandler: Well...you know...I think I want to stay away from remakes.
Schneider: Yeah, like The Longest Yard? Mr Deeds? C'mon man, This is Rob you're talking to, not some hack at Entertainment Weekly. And, besides, this ain't no remake. This is my completely original idea.
Sandler: Yeah...I know. But I tell ya...it just sounds so familiar. I don’t think I should...
Schneider: FAMILIAR? HOW?
Sandler: Well...
Schneider: HEY! I got three nerds who feel like they are getting pushed around by the fucking cool guys in town so they make up a baseball team with other nerds and, after sucking for awhile...they get better and then at the end they play the cool guys for the championship. When the fuck was that ever done before?
Sandler: Um...
Schneider: And how about that montage of scenes where the team make all kinds of stupid mistakes and the rest of the town makes fun of them?
Sandler: Yeah, that was funny.
Schneider: And the shit and fart jokes?
Sandler: I know. Had me rolling. But...
Schneider: Look man, it’s got commercial appeal. The kids eat this shit up. Wasn't I right about the last one? How much did you pull in from Bigalow?
Sandler: Not as much as I...
Schneider: Yeah. By the way, I like that new pool you put in.
Sandler: Now wait a minute. That was...
Schneider: Save it for the taxman. C'mon brother. I’m not asking for nothing, man. Nothing. Just some lousy "front money" for my project and, man, this property is hot, like smoking cinder baby. You know. You’ve read it.
Sandler: Yeah...good shit. Who is going to be in it?
Schneider: Well...I'm the star of course.
Sandler: You got to be.
Schneider: For the other two guys, I got David Spade...
Sandler: I like it.
Schneider: ...and that guy from Napoleon Dynamite.
Sandler: Oh shit!!! The guy who does that dance???
Schneider: You know it!!! C’mon man. You know we are going to make a mint. What do you say? For old time’s sake? For “SNL”?
Sandler: Well...I don't know...
Schneider: OK...maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this because it’s not 100% but I heard this morning that Nealon said he would sign on!
Sandler: All right...I’m in!
Schneider: Fucking A!!!!
They jump up and high five each other after which they both slump back in their swivel chairs. After SANDLER takes a deep breath, he picks up the blue folder that is right on top of his desk. He sighs and reads what is printed on the cover out loud.
Benchwarmers
By Rob Schneider
3 older dudes should be able to beat
9 young jocks...
Right?
Schneider: Great tag, huh? Came up with that shit myself.
Sandler: I don’t know, Rob. I don't know.
Schneider: What is it, man?
Sandler: It's just that...well...I mean...I just thought by now I would be doing...I don't know...more serious, higher quality work.
Schneider: When the hell did you start caring about that?
Oh my Sweet Jesus...
From the Eric Bogosian/Oliver Stone film Talk Radio (1988) :
I may not be the most popular guy in the world. That's not the point. I really don't care what you think about me...I'm just a voice. A voice in the wilderness...And you, like a pack of wolves descend on me, 'cause you can't stand facing what it is you are and what you've made...Yes, the world is a terrible place! Yes, cancer and garbage disposals will get you! Yes, a war is coming. Yes, the world is shot to hell and you're all goners. Everything's screwed up and you like it that way, don't you? You're fascinated by the gory details. You're mesmerized by your own fear! You revel in floods and car accidents and unstoppable diseases...You're happiest when others are in pain!
And that's where I come in, isn't it? I'm here to lead you by the hand through the dark forest of your own hatred and anger and humiliation. I'm providing a public service. You're so scared! You're like the little child under the covers. You're afraid of the bogeyman - but you can't live without him. Your fear, your own lives have become entertainment! Tomorrow night, millions of people are going to be listening to this show, and you have nothing to talk about!!!
Marvelous technology is at our disposal and instead of reaching up for new heights, we try to see how far down we can go...how deep into the muck we can immerse ourselves!
What do you want to talk about? Baseball scores? Your pet? Orgasms?
You're pathetic. I despise each and every one of you. You've got nothing, absolutely nothing. No brains, no power, no future. No hope. No God. I'm not afraid, see? I come up here every night and I make my case, I make my point. I say what I believe in. I have to, I have no choice. You frighten me. I don't need your fear or your stupidity. You don't get it. It's wasted on you.
If one person out there has any idea what I am talking about...
Stop the madness
Larry
posted by Larry B | 9:55 AM
3 Comments:
Listen buddy, you need to just relax and take it easy. It's just entertainment, there is nothing wrong with a little laughter at the expense of being corny. I think we are all quite capable of knowing the difference between quality cinematic masterpieces and satirical comedies. Peace!
Did you pinch that loaf yet? Or should I say "drop that deuce" to use the terminology of the venue?
Maybe then you would chill and realize notall entertainment needs to be "Citizen Kane-like"
Besides the movie is mediocre but has some funny,funny points.....
Don't forget to wipe!
On Bravo right now is Apocalypse Now.
The opening sequence to this film has helicopters dropping napalm on a pristine piece of green jungle, igniting firestorms while the song "The End" by The Doors plays on the soundtrack.
These images, which can be described as terrifying beautiful, leads to another sequence where a totally out of control, drunken Martin Sheen lays in a seedy Saigon Hotel room awaiting his next assignment from the top brass. In dramatic voice over he explains his situation:
When I was here...I wanted to be there.
When I was there...All I could think about was ...
getting back into the jungle.
This sequence leads to him meeting with a General and his staff at a Vietnamese house which is doubling for the their headquarters. As they sit down to eat and explain to Martin Sheen what his next mission will be, close-ups of the actors betray beads of sweat and side-eye facial expressions that portrays both the discomfort of the room and the slight deviousness of the situation.
In other words, this opening is totally effective, enticing and, most of all, completely engaging.
I remember I saw this film in approximately 1980 at the 1 dollar Brook Theatre on Flatlands and Flatbush Avenues in Brooklyn, NY. Although I probably did not understand the more "adult" ramifications of what was going on, which I am contemplating at this very moment, to the roughly thirteen year old kid sitting in that theatre, greatness was recognized.
At that time, possibly even the same year, I saw "Love at First Bite" starring George Hamilton. I thoroughly enjoyed that movie as well.
So, please, I do not expect every movie I watch to be a "cinematic masterpiece" or "Citizen Kane like" as the first two anonymi put it.
Hell, if I had that attitude I would have stopped watching films 20 years ago.
There is certainly nothing wrong with meaningless entertainment but Rob Schneider is not just "a little laughter at the expense of being corny." His movies are the equivalent of losing yourself on skag and I am personally not interested in doing that at this point in my life. If you are, that's cool, I'm not stopping you.
As far as having to "chill" and "relax," I'm fine don't worry about me.
Top Chef is coming on.
Thanks for the comments!!!
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