The Problem

I have been away a long time. No, not in any geographic sense for my physical existence is still in New York. I have spent a year and a half murdering myself and, again, not physically for I am still breathing (for who knows how long) and even in my darkest bouts of self-loathing I am pretty sure that I would be able to complete that task if I wanted to. I mean a whole year and a half…please.

The murder I committed was against that old self I was. The one who watched television. The one who read silly newspaper articles. The one who, although reacted negatively to them, swallowed all the horse feces that, for lack of a better term, "the machine" rammed down my throat on a daily basis. The one who paid attention to the overwhelming distractions that fill our lives, label us, keep us divided, destroy in a very real way the quality of our lives. The one who gave meaning to the meaningless while ignoring true value. The one who was so distraught about the state of the world, because it was not the way he thought it should be, used any number of external stimuli to help him forget. The one who accepted degradation as the norm while allowing dignity to be lost. The one who searched for truth in a cesspool of lies.

After finally realizing the folly of words like "important," "ground breaking" and "thoughtful" as they exist today. After completely understanding terms like "relevant," "subjective" and "transitory" for the truth that they contain. After coming to a full mental understanding of concepts such as "pain," "suffering," "loss"…even "death." Only then could the body of that self be destroyed, slain by books, openness, kindness…acceptance. The murder complete, the rotting corpse buried, end of story.

Now the rebirth can begin.

With that being said, I haven't been following all the details of this campaign because, as I stated time and time again both in my previous life and the current one, that voting for a bowl of turnips with bacon bits and a parsley garnish would be preferable to anything the Republicans have to offer, I have to admit that I came home today a little bit interested in the Democratic Convention. Biden was a great choice for VP. I think Obama's has a real movement going on here. He offers us the possibility, for the first time in a very long time, we could actually have leadership in the White House. So, I figured, watching some of the speeches wouldn't hurt even though it does violate one of my prime mandates - "KEEP THAT DAMN DEHUMANIZING SET OFF STUPID!" Against my better judgement, because I truly was curious, I turned the set on and searched for CNN.

Now, I never watch ANY of those 24-hour "news" channels - even when I filled my days with the endless prattle coming out of that idiot box. I actually didn't even know what number CNN was but after a few clicks of the remote I was there. The only reason why I surrendered to these purveyors of knowledge was because it was before eight o'clock and I figured the major networks weren't going to have coverage till later. A small sacrifice to make in an attempt to be an "informed" citizen. I sit down on my couch waiting in subdued anticipation.

The first thing I see are some gaudy graphics saying something like "CONVENTION SMACKDOWN '08" with a bevy of white men in suits sitting behind an elongated desk. The first thing I hear is some heavy-handed music that sounded like it was composed at a focus group called "Lowest common denominator." Between the camera lens and the men are a string of computer monitors which, presuming from the faces of these "experts," they are watching for updates from the convention floor. The shot starts to pan the ensemble because, as another focus group told them, there has to be dramatic camera movement for a news broadcast, and ends with a beautiful woman in a suit who I guess is the host (I refuse to use the word moderator.) I assume they hired her for the sake of journalistic integrity.

I get up from the couch and make a box of Kraft Premium Three-Cheese Shell Macaroni Dinner.

After I am done cooking I leave my kitchen which is directly adjacent to my living room. Bowl in hand I flip the light switch and head for the couch. Just as I get into earshot of the set I hear the voice of David Gergen. I remember Gergen from the McNeil-Lehrer News Hour on PBS back in the 1980s. He used to do a political spot with Mark Shields every Friday and I enjoyed watching them. That was the time when The McLaughlin Group was revolutionizing political talk - the genesis of the confrontational, uninformative, clownish horror show we call political debate that exists today. At the time, his show was considered "amusing," "novel" or, if you really didn't give a flying fuck about representative democracy, "exciting." During that time Gergen and Shields actually kept their cool and didn't pander and kept the discussion dignified. Maybe it was only because they were on PBS and not at the mercy of a profit driven parent company but I always respected them as men with integrity.

The first thing I hear Gergen say, evidently in a response to a question asked of him by the pin-up is, "I think Bill Clinton when he speaks is going to have to talk about the economy. His eight year economic record versus the last eight year record will really play well." (Paraphrase)

On that last word, I made it to the couch. I picked up the remote, turned the set off and went to my bedroom to eat my Kraft Premium Three-Cheese Shell Macaroni Dinner.

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO STOP LIVING IN INTELLECTUAL PIG SHIT!

Through the surround sound speakers I felt the bony claw of my old self-reaching from the grave, tugging at my ankle but I did not let it pull me down. I still accept the world for how it thinks, how it acts…how it is.

Just not in my house.

In silence, the Kraft Three-Cheese Shell Macaroni Dinner was delicious.

Larry